Last week was possibly one of the happiest weeks of my life.
I had my gallbladder removed eleven days ago so I was off work to recover. You’d think my week would have been full of bandages, prescriptions, and pain management. And it was.
But it was also filled with lots of TLC given by my two year old little girl with blue eyes, wavy blonde hair, and a lisp that makes everything she says adorable. We colored, sang, learned shapes, recited colors, counted and shared buckets of hugs and kisses.
I hate that I had to go back to work today; my heart just isn’t in it. Each morning I leave it behind with her as she greets her little friends with smiles and kisses me goodbye with her tiny little pucker.
I’ve made it no secret that I want to be hometo raise AH but that’s just not possible right now. I want her look back on her childhood and have memories of me playing with her, making crafts, lying in the backyard finding pictures in the clouds.
I’m also the type of person who wouldn’t feel right about going to work and being paid for a half-assed job. And I want to teach my kids-both my girls and my boy- that women can be independent and that you should work for things in life rather than have someone give it to you.
So often I think about whom I want to be for my kids; what kind of mom/woman/human being. And so many times I feel inadequate.
I feel guilty about leaving AH while I go to work. I feel guilty when I’m at work wishing I was home. I feel guilty when we have LD and JD for summer visitation and they have to wake up early to go to a sitter when I’d rather they got to sleep in and enjoy their lazy summer.
I’m tired of feeling guilty. It’s not good for me. And there are others who have bigger problems than not being able to stay home with their kids.
So I’ve decided to work harder at being able to stay home or at least have a job that allows me more time at home; whether it is part time or work from my house.
It may take some time but I will get there; I will be the mom I want to be.
I will be enough.
Just Be Enough is fighting cancer with the help of two incredible partners: Bellflower Books and Crickett’s Answer for Cancer. For every 20 link ups received this month, Bellflower Books will donate a $75 certificate toward a 20-page memory book to a family identified by Crickett’s Answer who are fighting the good fight against breast cancer. Their goal is to be able to provide ten women the opportunity to receive a special book created by family and friends that will be treasured not only by the brave women fighting, but by their families as well.
Please go link up!!